Ever hear a woman in Manhattan complain that her love life sucks? Well I do..all.the.time…with good reason!
OK, LoveTrekkers — I’ve finally mustered about the strength to address dating in New York City. It’s a tough topic to tackle, so bear with me. As a four-year resident who no longer has an Empire State of Mind, I can tell you exactly why it’s nearly impossible to take a bite out of the Big Apple‘s dating scene — and why, as a result, so many of my friends are struggling singles.
The US census report indicates that NYC is a great place to date because of the ratio of single men per mile. What the census report fails to mention is that said dudes are a) workaholics b) overly ambitious c) assholes d) gay.
Seriously, most men are looking over their shoulders for the next best thing. I’ve witnessed guys on dates get up to go to the toilet and start chatting up a waitress en route. Cads, the lot of them!
Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but finding a good guy in Manhattan is like sifting for gold on the beach: meaning, it isn’t impossible, but the odds are going against you.
So what kind of guys will you find in good old New York, New York and how will you recognize them? Check it out, because I’m about to start spreading the news…
- The Workaholic. Typically, you won’t see this guy until the weekend — unless he’s having a few after-work drinks in the Financial District. He wears suits, keeps his hair short and looks at his Blackberry — a lot. On the weekend, he rages like a college kid, slurs into your ear that you’re pretty but he’s not ready for a ‘committed relationship right now.’ This is his way of saying he wants to sleep with you once or maybe twice…and that you’re NOT allowed to sleep over.
- The Scenester. He hangs out at The Bunker, Lavo or The Boom Boom Room, always knows where the afterparty is, and is friends with ALL the promoters (he says he’s friends with the owners too, but usually that’s just for effect). There are usually a lot of high-fives and man-hugs involved during a night out with The Scenester — and he says things like, ‘What’s good, brah?’ BEWARE: You will not get the Scenester to stay in if there’s even a whiff of a good party around the corner — he is NOT boyfriend material.
- The Metrosexual. He likes to go shopping, constantly asks you to guess where his cardigan is from and can’t wait for Fashion Week. Beware if you see him sipping on champagne and not beer on the regular.
- The Is He Or Isn’t He Gay Guy. You have your suspicions when he’s courteous, polite and sweeter than any man has a right to be — and when doesn’t try to jump you on the first date. He actually likes rom-coms that star Julia Roberts (including that epic piece of garbage Eat, Pray, Love) and your kiss is so passionless that it feels like kissing your teddy bear goodnight. BEWARE if you see the Is He randomly making out with another dude on the street all Teddy-in-90210-style and he swears to you he only did it because he was drunk.
- The J-Dater. If you find a really good-looking guy on J-Date, the Jewish dating site, RUN THE OTHER WAY. He may come off as a charming mama’s boy, but this guy is the worst — mostly because he’s sleeping with a bunch of his J-date matches at once, hoping that they’re from different circles of friends. BEWARE: He doesn’t often get caught and may just block you from his user profile when he’s done with you.
- The Modelizer. You’ve all heard of this dude. Whether he’s a high-profile money man or just really good-looking, the Modelizer is secure enough in his arrogance to think he can only date the copious amounts of models that flock to NYC. Wilhelmina and Ford are his favorite kind of ladies, although he does dream of scoring with a Victoria’s Secret gal (too bad most of them are pregnant or married these days!). Although you may be pretty and successful, you will never be good enough for a Modelizer — so don’t feel bad if you actually thought he was giving you the eye in Avenue, and he was merely checking out the leggy blonde behind you.
- The Drunk. He’s charming, good-looking and sweet to you by day, but by night he turns into less Dr. Jekyll and more Mr. Hyde. He refuses to leave the bar, knocks back pints, shots of Jager and Long Island Iced Teas like it’s his job, and says embarrassing things to strangers. What he thinks will be an interesting argument about politics really just sounds like “blah blah blah Obama, blah blah blah financial crisis.” Those around you will look at you pityingly and wonder how you can date such a crashing bore. BEWARE: The worst part about dating The Drunk is that he won’t remember accidentally peeing on you in bed, that he spent your vacation fund on buying a round of drinks for the entire bar or that he made out with the bartender who bought his ninth shot.
- The Farm Boy. That gorgeous, wholesome-looking guy you might have fallen in love with should come with a big, fat warning sign on his muscular arm. This guy, who typically hails rom Kansas, Iowa or Wisconsin, uses his newly-New York status to his advantage, knowing full well how awful it is to date in the city. His aw-shucks attitude is going to reel you in, he’ll probably sleep with you a half-dozen times (and it will suck, but you’ll deal because you like him soooooooo much) and then he’ll move on to an equally successful woman who looks pretty similar to you, but has not eaten from the apple of knowledge yet, and thus, is in the dark about his duplicitous nature.
- The Musician. He’s sexy, he may not shower a whole lot, and he thinks Arlene’s Grocery is ‘dope.’ You like watching him on stage, even if he’s in the shittiest band known to man and his ‘singing’ sounds a lot more like screaming. You dream of wearing his silver cross around your neck like you were living in a 1950′s sitcom and you were wearing his class ring. He’s sleeping with a few other girls, but you don’t care, because he’s an ARTIST and he says he loves you BEST. He does copious amounts of cocaine and suggests you’re a sissy if you don’t do it, too. Wise up, sister, and get with the program — he may be sharing some STD’s — and that’s not short for Soulmates That Dream.
- The Sports Freak. You may be used to sharing peaceful Sundays in bed doing the old horizontal tango, but come football season, this guy is racing straight out to the bar to hang with his buddies. He talks about Fantasy Football, the Jets or the Giants and touchdowns. He may include you by allowing you to hang out with his pals at Tonic East, but only under the assumption that you love his team as much as he does (when really you might not give one flying you-know-what). BEWARE: so much for looking cute at the bar — you’ll be forced to wear his team’s jersey, and it’s not like he’ll notice you anyway with all the girlish screaming he’s doing when his team scores.
So, ladies, do you see where I’m coming from? Let me know if you’ve experienced any of these types, or conversely, are one of the rare few who have found ever-lasting love in New York City!