Conflicted? Now you know

Personally, I think that if a guy loses interest in you he’s not the right one, should be chalked up as a learning experience and you should move on. But if you’re beating yourself up thinking it might have been something you did, then check out this piece from YourTango on why he’s just not that into you…anymore. At least you’ll learn from your mistakes so that you’ll be ready for the next guy — the right guy — who comes along, wherever you are in the world. 

1. Business in the front. Business in the back.

If you’re in a relationship and you’re sharing any of the responsibilities of life (i.e. money, children, a home), it’s easy for your couple’s interaction to be reduced to a series of business conversations. You are business partners, there’s no changing that, but the key is being mindful of when you talk business and when you just relax and enjoy each other. It’s hard to be passionately in love with a person who is always talking about big, serious, important things. Make time for fun and playful conversation to create balance in the relationship.

2. He sees you more as a mom and less as a lover.

Most of the items on this list give you strategies for changing your behavior to help keep your partner engaged. Not this one. There are men who were taught that certain kinds of women are moms and certain kinds of women are sexual. They have a very difficult time reconciling the two. If you have a guy that feels less attracted to you because of your role as a mom, he’s got some work to do. It’s probably best handled by a professional counselor. Of course, it’s important that a woman balance her roles of wife and mom, but if you are and he’s still feeling less loving, it’s his issue to fix.

3. Your relationship wasn’t properly rooted.

If the relationship with your guy started with a drunken hook-up, moved on to a casual but intense sexual connection, had a short pause in the land of “I love you,” and is now feeling distant and uncoupled, maybe your “relationship” was never what you thought. Feelings of infatuation are strong, and can make us think, “Wow. This is real love!” But without some underpinning of compatibility, people just tend to lose interest and drift apart.

4. He doesn’t sense that you’re in his corner.

Men place a very high value on loyalty. He needs to know that you’re in his corner – his foxhole. When the bullets are flying overhead and life is tough, he needs a woman who has his back. If he’s pulling away and lost that loving feeling, it could be because he feels that during important times you weren’t the loyal partner he needs.

5. One word: incompatibility

Over time compatibility matters in a relationship. It is possible for some period of weeks or months to paper over poor compatibility. You just do things you both love, or don’t talk about certain topics, or focus on fun and hide certain sides of your personality. It can make two people seem perfect together. But eventually, life and reality must come calling. The fact that he is a spender and you’re a saver starts to matter. The fact that he is religious and you aren’t starts to matter. All the significant differences start to present themselves and often one or both partners will just emotionally throw up their hands and say, “I’m not into this relationship anymore.”

6. You require a great deal of maintenance.

I often see on the eHarmony Advice boards comments from women like, “Yes, I’m high maintenance, and I’m worth it.” My instant thought when I see that is, “No, you’re not worth it. No one is.” If you’re a real high maintenance woman, most normal men will wonder if they want to pull a life sentence working to make you happy. And those who think that your demanding ways won’t matter typically feel differently after some months or years. Working so hard to get the approval of a partner can make him lose that loving feeling.

7. He stops feeling admired.

Many therapists and psychologists have written about how women desire to be cherished and men desire to be admired. For some reason the notion that a woman might admire her man is off-putting to some women. But it is so important to his attraction. A man who senses that he cannot earn your admiration slowly starts to lose interest in the relationship.

8. You’re the face of bad news.

It happens over time. It happens subconsciously. If every time you see your guy you’re holding bad news, he starts to associate you with bad news. Does that sound fair? It’s not fair, but it’s a real problem that can cause him to have less enthusiasm for the relationship. It’s unrealistic to avoid sharing important and unpleasant news, but it’s vital that you proactively take measures to not become the face of bad news. Talk about the best times to share this kind of information and create special times, like dinner, when bad grades, late mortgages, and hostile bosses are verboten.

Laura xo

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3 Responses
  1. [...] is Ashley in a right to be creation moves like a male would — or is her function totally inappropriate? Should we follow in her [...]

  2. Vanya Dee says:

    Love the way you state the reasons and your comments! I’ve listed your blog with the other links on our blog – If you don’t mind I would also like to refer to this post :)

  3. [...] Life lesson number one: never underrate the power of sexual attraction. [...]

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