Want your perfect match? Get blinded with love through science
“I can smell the chemicals blinding me with science” ScientificMatch.com is not, but it comes pretty damn close. This new website promises that for the very low price of $1,999.95 (because that’s a whole lot less intimidating than putting $2,000 on your Visa) your soulmate can be yours! But will you get results if you’re willing to to max our your credit card on love?
This new site actually uses your DNA to make you match. Although they don’t predict when that moment will come — it could be three months or three years — the scientific powers-that-be are confident that you will, indeed, meet your mate. Good thing the cool two thousand you’re spending guarantees you a lifetime service. Does ScientificMatch also want your spleen as collateral? One of your fingers? A lung?
Hm. Methinks meeting a man off-line, like, in real life, might be more effective and cheaper than finding your $2,000 dream dude. Although if he can afford to shell out that kind of moolah to find a partner, at least you’ll know he’s rich. I hope that helps you get your rocks off.
Speaking of sex, ScientificMatch claims that, by using genetic matching, your chances of having an awesome time between the sheets are enhanced by choosing their service, as are higher fertility rates and the chances of having healthier children. Huh? Don’t make empty promises, people!
Apparently, they’re not. They do state that there may be a few rare situations in which ScientificMatch won’t work for you: if you were adopted or haven’t been raised by your birth parents (kind of like Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s newly-discovered son) between the ages of one and two.
Also, you can’t search the site for potential partners; the site delivers the DNA-friendly dream dude to you. Re: if he’s an ugly, you’re going to have to deal with it. You may have ugly DNA…just sayin’.
Do I think paying for this site is a fool’s mission? Hell yes! Do I look like I was born yesterday? (Don’t answer that!) Do I still want to try it anyway? Hell yes! I dig the idea that scientific compatibility might override sexual chemistry. Life would be so much simpler. If it really works (and the service was cheaper) wouldn’t you like to be done with finding Mr. Wrong over and over again? If you say no, that you enjoy the mystery, well then, you obviously haven’t turned 30 yet.