Think you’ve got problems? Be very, very glad you aren’t any of these people — especially the guy who’s wife pulled a Lorena Bobbitt!

It’s a fact of life that we all have gone batshit crazy at one time or another because of love. Maybe your boyfriend refused to say he loved you because he claimed it made him break out in hives, or perhaps an unrequited love made you a little whacked in the head. Whatever it may be, most of us don’t act on our impulses. We freak out to friends, write in  journals, watch sappy movies and cry into our Skinny Cows. These folks, however, chose not to ignore their urges, and someone — whether it be the person involved or his/her ex — is paying big. The next time you have the inclination to do something drastic, don’t. You’ll see why: most of these stories involve an arrest, a fine or, in one particular case, a dislocated dick. Ouch.

AUSTRALIA

Riddle me this: if you get injured during sex on a business trip, is it your fault or the fault of the country where said sexual act occurred? If option B was your answer, you’re a freak and quite possibly related to this woman. The Sydney Morning Herald reported that a government employee no less was forced to stay in a motel for a work conference, and during her overnight stay, a wall-mounted light fell on her head. She sustained nose and mouth injuries from the cheap lighting, she argues, and not the voraciousness of her sexual shenanigans. Her lawyer is arguing  attorney that hotel sex (or motel sex, as it were)  is “normal behavior” for those on business trips. Sorry toots, but unless you’re from Nevada, sex legally isn’t part of the job description. Perhaps a move is in order?

CALIFORNIA

Lorena Bobbitt wields again! Kind of. Maybe she was drawing inspiration from her cookbook, or maybe Lorena is some kind of personal hero. Maybe she was pissed off, maybe she was crazy. Who knows? Whichever way you look at it, California‘s Catherine Kieu Becker sliced off her husband’s peeper and threw it in the trash.  Police aren’t clear why he did it, only that he “deserved it”, according to the 48-year-old woman. Let’s not think about the logistics here, but apparently Becker drugged her hubby and tied him down before the grand incision, leading to her arrest on charges of aggravated mayhem, false imprisonment, assault with a deadly weapon, administering a drug with intent to commit a felony, poisoning and spousal abuse. Her bail is set at $1 million. You can’t put a price on what it’s going to cost her ex to make him feel like a man again.

FLORIDA

Love at first bite? Not so much. Mike Keeler reportedly wasn’t into the ‘love bites’ he received from new wife  Bernadette Besario Catan-Keeler, 30, on their wedding night. The two spent their wedding night dancing at a club (because that’s normal anywhere outside of Las Vegas) when Catan-Keeler started dancing with another man. Although he got understandably jealous, his new wife apparently had the right to get all cray-cray and not only pushed her hubby, but but him ever-so-not-gently on the shoulder back in their room at the W Hotel. Pissed, Keeler took off to his home in Lighthouse Point, Florida. She followed, ripped off his shirt, poured water on him and bit him again. Shocker of the year: Keeler blamed his wife’s behavior on her insobriety. In addition to losing her self-respect, the vampiric one was forced to spend $4,500 on bail, was charged with domestic battery and was told to stay away from both booze and her new hubby. I just hope she didn’t break skin. PS: rumour has it she’s an ex of Michael Lohan‘s, which would explain why she went nuts in the first place.

FRANCE

A judge has ruled that “Jean-Louis B.” of Aix-en-Provence owes his ex-wife 10,000 euros because of a “lack of sex over 21 years of marriage.”  The 51-year-old Frenchman was fined under article 215 of France‘s civil code, which says that married couples must share a “communal life.” He cited “tiredness and health problems” as his excuse for refusing to get frisky with his wife. Like money is any kind of compensation for a lack of physicality. Sheesh. Personally, I’m glad he’s been fined — if only for using that tired old excuse!

PENNSYLVANIA

FYI: If you’re too cheap to spring for your own wedding reception,  you shouldn’t have one. 22-year-old Brittany Lurch and 32-year-old Arthur Phillips missed their own wedding reception in a last-ditch attempt to provide food for their guests. After their August 18th wedding, the two strolled into a local supermarket in Centre Hall, Pennsylvania, picked up $1,000 worth of food and left without paying for it. They were caught by surveillance cameras, arrested and charged with misdemeanor counts of retail theft. In addition to the pilfered goodies, marijuana was also found in their car. It just goes to show, you shouldn’t get stoned before your wedding reception: you will get the munchies!

WISCONSIN

Here’s a serious case of what came first: the chicken or the herp? A 33-year-old Wisconsin woman has filed a lawsuit against her former lover saying he failed to tell her that he had herpes, thus exposing her to an STD. The rub? The two got busy in the back of his pickup truck. While they were both married. Someone should pay her the $350,000 she’s asking for and buy her a new brain. Apparently though, she has a legal leg to stand on. The transmission of herpes isn’t grounds for legal action, but lawsuits are passing anyway on the basis of negligence and battery. Negligence law may impart a duty of care to one’s sexual partner, and a failure to inform negates the other partner’s ability to give informed consent to sexual activity. Winning for cheating with a man you met online? I think technically — STDs withstanding — that makes this lady a loser.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY HERE: DON’T DATE A CRAZY PERSON. AT LEAST, I THINK THAT’S THE MORAL — BUT THERE’S NO WAY IN HELL I ACTUALLY WANT TO FIND OUT!

LAURA

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