Plus, check out the hottest baseball players of 2012
8 THINGS BASEBALL CAN TEACH US ABOUT LOVE: BY TOM MILLER
- Pay attention to him or he will run on you. Even the slowest ball players will steal second base if the pitcher forgets he’s there. A guy seemingly content to stay on first base will bolt if you neglect him.
- Don’t show each other up. Breaking the unwritten rules of baseball (embarrassing someone in public) may earn you a 92-mile-per-hour fastball into your earhole. Punking your boo in front of friends will earn you an earful of verbal poo next time you’re at home.
- Someone is always watching. An old ball coach may forget about the camera when he jams his finger in his ear and then smells it. You might think dry-humping on the dance floor is okay because it feels like you’re in a creepy commercial for Las Vegas’s Cosmopolitan Hotel but someone will see you and will judge you.
- Develop a set of signals. That dude standing by third base who looks about 20 years too old to wear a uniform is touching his belt, rubbing his belly and adjusting his cup to send instructions to the hitter and baserunners. You and your sig-oth should create an impenetrable set of non-verbal codes to let each other know when it’s time to rescue the other from an awful conversation. Don’t make it ASL because the handjob sign is super-obvious.
- You’re on the same team. If a batter gets nailed with a pitch, his team is ready to fight for him. You and yours should have each others’ backs. Also, celebrate each others’ successes like they’re your own. If a dude hits a game-winning homer, his teammates mob him at home plate and he does them a favor by throwing off his helmet so they don’t hurt their hands slapping him on the head. Think about it.
- Can’t win ‘em all. An outstanding baseball team will win 60 percent of 162 games in a seven-month season. Relationships are like marathons, and holding grudges over long-dead arguments is a great way to make your dude feel as awful as watching grass grow… or soccer.
- The last three outs are the hardest. The beginning part is fun. The post-honeymoon phase has its moments. But splitting up is awful. Be wary of people who are cavalier about breakups; they have ice water in their veins and salt water in their hearts.
- Every day is exactly the same. Fun traditions and good habits make us who we are, but tedium wears everyone down. Experiment with different positions, grips and stances — particularly if you’re not getting the results you want. Feel free to play light-hearted jokes on each other but don’t put Icy-Hot in each other’s jocks (unless it’s a thing you’re into).
LOVETREKKING TERMINOLOGY: HOW BASEBALL TERMS APPLY TO YOUR DATING LIFE
1. Batting 1000
Baseball speak: Someone with a batting average of one thousand (written as 1.000) has had a hit for every at bat in the relevant time period (e.g., in a game).
Dating speak: A guy who’s getting everything right, be it in a relationship or on a date. He seemingly can do no wrong.
2. Brand new ballgame.
Baseball speak: When a team that has been behind in runs ties up the game, it’s sometimes said to be a brand new ballgame.
Dating speak: Officially getting over a breakup and being ready to date again.
3. Cleanup hitter.
Baseball speak: The fourth man in the batting order, typically a slugger who is expected to clear the bases by driving other runners home to score runs.
Dating speak: The guy you meet at a bar towards the end of the night who knows you’re drunk and wouldn’t have a chance with you in real life who takes you home and never calls again. Not that you’d want him to.
4. Cover one’s bases.
Baseball speak: A defensive player covers a base by standing close to it, ensuring a runner can not reach it safely. In business, covering one’s bases means being prepared for every contingency.
Dating speak: The lies men make up to get themselves out of every possible sticky situation.
Baseball speak: A pitch in baseball designed to fool the batter by curving unexpectedly.
Dating speak: Something you so didn’t expect him to say — like what really went on in the locker room during college football practice.
6. First base.
Baseball speak: A hitter hopes to reach first base and then continue around second and third bases until he reaches home.
Dating speak: Kissing. Duh.
7. Grand slam.
Baseball speak: A batter who hits a home run with bases loaded has hit a four-run “grand slam”, a term originally borrowed from contract bridge for winning thirteen tricks.
Dating speak: Yeah, girl, gettit! Enjoy your O!
8. Playing hardball.
Baseball speak: Refers to the comparison between balls in baseball and softball.
Dating speak: Telling him you’re busy for the next week — though you really only intend to be at home chewing on your split ends and watching a Lifetime movie marathon.
9. Pinch hitter.
Baseball speak: Sometimes a substitute batter would be brought in, especially at a crucial point in the game.
Dating speak: Your guy best friend that’s there to pick up the pieces — or fill in as a last minute date — when you get dumped unexpectedly (see: curveball).
10. Striking out.
Baseball speak: A strike is when the batter swings at and misses a pitch, or when the pitch crosses the strike zone without the batter swinging. A batter with three strikes is out and must stop batting.
Dating speak: So, funny story. A guy walks into a bar…and tries it on with six hot blondes…and gets rejected. Sorry, buddy. You’re shit out of luck.
THE HOTTEST B-BALL PLAYERS OF THEM ALL
1. Daniel Bard, Boston Red Sox, 26
2. Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies, 33
3. Huston Street, San Diego Padres, 28
4. Grady Sizemore, Cleveland Indians, 28
5. Cole Hamels, Philadelphia Phillies, 28
6. Dan Haren, Los Angeles Angels, 31
7. Barry Zito, San Francisco Giants, 33
8. Robinson Cano, New York Yankees, 28