Know what you want

I was kind of appalled when I entered the Coachella music festival this weekend. There were children, teenagers, girls dressed up like they were going to Burning Man in furry boots and seashell bras, a plethora of celebrities there just to be snapped by the paps and a slew of sceney douchebags who wanted to see and be seen. Fail, Coachella! What happened to the good old days, when people actually went for the music? Were there any guys who actually went to hear the bands, to dance like no one was watching and to meet other like-minded, non-trendy individuals? I was on a mission to find out. Like usual, hope sprung eternal.

Let me tell you where you aren’t going to meet a cool dude. You won’t be meeting him at one of the plethora of parties that the try hards head to. Sure, there might be the errant awesome guy who drops by just for the free booze, but if you find a man at one of these daytime parties instead of at the festival, it’s a pretty good guess what’s most important to him (hint: he will also be the guy who just went to see Radiohead because they tour, like, once a year. He also will not recognize a single Radiohead song other than Creep, FYI).

Don’t get me wrong — these parties can be fun. But if you’re shelling out $300-$700 for a Coachella ticket, you should probably consider going to the festival for more than few acts…or, conversely, going and spending all of your free time in the beer garden.

You will also have a hard time meeting someone if you’re locked inside one of the big nighttime tents straining to see your favorite artist. The music is just too loud. Even if the love of your life was unknowingly standing right by your side, you wouldn’t know it: it’s impossible to hear anything or even speak. Or move, but that’s beside the point. Why not hang outside where you’ll have a little more space…and perhaps even a (gasp) conversation?

Where you will meet someone:

• On an infrequent trip to the beer garden. During the day. Where you will not be spending all of your time, but enjoying a refreshing, tasty, frothy beverage.
• Getting to the festival early, when it’s less packed, and enjoying one of the smaller acts.
• In line. Whether you’re waiting for a drink, to get through security or for the nasty port-a-potties, you’ll be standing around for quite a while. Make the most of it if you see someone you like.

• By having a General Admission pass. VIP is cool and all — you’ll have better access to see the artists and shorter lines all around — but you’ll be restricting yourself to a very select type of people. And it isn’t like paying for general admission makes a guy cheap — when all is said and done, a ticket costs $380. And that doesn’t even count hotels, gas or drinks.  Don’t be such a snob!
• At the food stands. Men love to eat, right? Exactly. Don’t go on the Coachella starvation diet. If you dance enough, the pounds will be melting off anyway.
• Smiling. Trust me, a smile goes a long way. There is no better way to attract attention than by looking friendly. No man wants to approach a bitch, after all.

So those of you going to weekend two, heed this advice and heed it well. My guess is you’ll have a better chance of meeting cool men than those who went weekend one, as there are less parties and therefore less opportunity to meet your average LA type who’s attached to his iPhone like it was one of his fingers.

Happy hunting, music lovers.