I now have issues after watching a Say Yes to the Dress marathon

I have never been one of those girls who’s dreamed of a big, white wedding since I was old enough to play with Bridal Barbie. In fact, I’ve never particularly had a desire to get married at all. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have it right: they live together as a couple, but don’t put undue pressure on their relationship. In 2013, they will have happily been together for thirty years. So here is my question: do we really need matrimony? And if the answer is yes, do we really need that perfect, $40,000 wedding to go with our vow of ’til death do us part?

Before I begin, let me say that I’m a big fan of TLC. So big, in fact, that it will be impossible for Bravo to sway my affections with their silly programs like The Real Housewives of Iceland and The Shahs Shit On People Who Aren’t As Rich As They Are Of Sunset. I watch Say Yes to the Dress when I’m bored, or when I’m getting ready, or when I need background noise (my true love is my friend Stacy London‘s makeover show What Not to Wear, which is never on when I want it to be). So I watch. It’s amusing, and I do love a good duckling turned swan story. But the episode I watched today set me off…in a bad way. One woman spent $11,000 on her wedding dress. $11,000. I can imagine what I’d do with that kind of money…and I wouldn’t be wasting it on one singular garment, regardless of how lovely and memory-making it might be. I’d spend it on one hell of a honeymoon instead!

I do understand, in theory, why women feel the (I believe) antiquated need to display their love with an extraneous, over-the-top ceremony and reception. But these same women eventually cave to the pressure, breaking down in a flood of tears over something as ridiculous as a seating chart.

In my eyes, should you be of the mind that you absolutely need your monster wedding, why not simplify things? Forget the swanky reception hall, the designer dress and the $7,000 cake. Get married in a field, or on the beach, or even in your own home with the people you love around you there to wish you well. You don’t need to invite your dad’s co-workers or the sorority sister you haven’t seen since college. Keep it small and keep it true to you.

I sadly had to miss my friend Jen’s wedding last year, but from the sound of it, she got things exactly right. She chose a beautiful venue in Destin, Florida and didn’t seem to stress about the wedding preparations. In fact, she told me that her intent was to have all the people she loved most in the world get drunk, have fun and enjoy a giant party. Jennifer Llanto, I salute you!

Remember ladies, this is an event that will stress you out, turn your blonde hair gray and will last for one day. But don’t forget that when that moment is up, you’ll ostensibly have the rest of your life to spend with the man of your dreams. Yes, you want to look beautiful and have your future husband‘s eyes light up in wonder when he sees you walking down the aisle. But guess what? He’s going to be looking at you like you’re the most wonderful creature to ever walk the Earth anyway. YOU are about to become his wife. If that’s not cause to get emotional, I don’t know what is.

If you’re worried that not being the proud owner of a million dollar Vera Wang is going to diminish your beauty, you’re wrong. It isn’t about how much you spend on your gown that makes it special, it’s all about how it fits. Hello, these are the fashion rules. I don’t make them…I just abide by them!

Yes, I might be eating crow about the wedding thing. It’s a girl’s prerogative to change her mind, after all. But should I decide to get married one day, I know I’ll stick to what I’ve said here. There won’t be any bells or whistles or hidden costs. I won’t be hiring Journey to play at my reception, or any of the Glee kids, either. I will be a girl, in a dress, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her forever.

Sometimes love isn’t enough — but when it comes to weddings, don’t you think love, actually,  is the whole damn point?

I do.